What No One Tells You About Being Single in Your Thirties

Spoiler alert, the answer is not ‘it’s awful and you’re better off dead’. As someone who spent most of my twenties terrified I would end up single in my thirties, I have now entered my thirties and can confirm it is not the worst thing in the world to be single - despite what society deems otherwise. If you’re anything like me and you’re terrified of going into your thirties single, or you’re already there and questioning every life choice you’ve ever made, I’m here to shed some light on what no one tells you about being single in your thirties.

It Really Isn’t That Deep

Coming up to my thirties, I truly thought it was going to be the end of the world that I was single. And so I dated profusely. All of the wrong people, might I add. Wasted a lot of my own time trying to fit square pegs into a round hole. And then I did enter my thirties single and to my shock the world didn’t come to a grinding halt.

Read that again. The world will not come to a grinding halt if you are single in your thirties. It’s not embarassing, it’s not a failure, you are simply just you and that is okay.

You’re Not Being ‘Too Picky’

I’m sure you’ve heard this line from your friends, and while I like to believe that people mean well by this , it’s simply not true. You should never feel like you’re settling in a relationship or with a partner. If you enter a relationship with the mindset that this person is going to change or you'll be able to ‘fix’ them, you’re not choosing that person at their face value. When deciding to date someone, it should be about who they are in that moment and whether that aligns with your core values.

By being selective that doesn’t make you picky; it makes you intentional. You are dating with intention and aren’t entertaining people who don’t match with you.

Being Single is Not the Consolation Prize

Let me shout this from the rooftops. You are the prize at the end of the day, remember that. You GET to spend time with yourself, and how cool is that? It’s very cool actually because you are simply awesome. Sit and think about your accomplishments, your friends and family, your goals, your quirks - you bring so many great qualities to the table. None of those qualities are diminished by the fact that you are single.

The Good Ones Aren’t All Taken

It’s not true, even if it feels like it. Having this mindset is detrimental - remember that your brain looks for patterns and looks to confirm what you believe. If you think this, your brain is going to continue to look for evidence this is true. Just because you aren’t actively running into them or finding them on the dating apps, it doesn’t mean that good, single people who are a great match for you don’t exist.

No Company is Better than the Wrong Company

I cannot stress this enough. Keeping people around who do not add to your life and your energy is more taxing than being by yourself. Allowing someone who detracts from your energy into your space is exhausting. It prohibits you from feeling comfortable and safe in places where you absolutely should feel safe. Wasting time with someone just because it feels better to have someone there may temporarily ease discomfort, but the discomfort will return when you feel the mismatch and misalignment.

Other People are More Uncomfortable With You Being Single than You Are

You being single and comfortable with it makes other people question themselves and their relationships. People expect single people to be sad and woeful, miserable, maybe even in need of saving. You’ve probably heard ‘oh you’ll find someone when you’re not looking for it’ and many other unhelpful ‘validations’ people share. While they may mean well, the unsolicited advice can become quite annoying when it’s all you hear.

You Don’t Need a Partner to Have Value

Having a partner doesn’t make you more valuable as a person. You are what makes you valuable (see above, remember how great you are?). You exist all on your own. Your talents, your skills, your achievements - all you. While having a partner may add value to your life, it doesn’t inherently impact your value as a person.

There is Nothing Wrong With You

There is nothing wrong with you for being single in your thirties. Whether you are single by choice or not, healing, deciding not to date right now, don’t have any intention of dating ever or are seriously worried that there is something wrong with you - there isn’t. Being single doesn’t define you as a person, just like your career, your family and friends, your living situation or the car you drive don’t either.

This is the perfect time in your life to do things of your own free will. To focus on self-discovery and things you enjoy doing. It’s a time of freedom, and there is nothing wrong with being single through this era of your life.

The Best Dating Advice

Trust your gut feeling. You know yourself through and through. Date with intention, not out of a feeling of having to fill a position in your life. You can live a beautiful life with or without someone, and should you decide to date choose someone who adds to your life more than they take away. Date with the intention of sharing the best parts of your life with someone. Listen to your gut - go with what feels right.

Be Gentle to Yourself

Not every day is going to feel like you’re on top of the world, but not every day is going to feel like you’re at rock bottom either. Your opinion of how it feels to be single will change depending on the day, your mood, and your life circumstances. Look for ways that you enjoy being by yourself - whether it’s the feeling of your house being decorated just the way you like it, or getting to spend time on solo adventures because you want to. Wherever you’re at, remember that being single is not the consolation prize. You are more than enough regardless of your circumstances - relationship or not.

Final Thoughts

It can feel daunting to be single in your thirties, it can also feel like the best feeling ever. Regardless of how you feel in this given moment, just know that being single in your thirties is not a death sentence. It’s not a measure of your worth as a person. And while everyone around you may feel like it’s the worst possible thing in the world, I would be quick to argue that I would rather be single than waste my time with the wrong person. Be intentional. Be selective. Enjoy yourself. And always remember that YOU are the prize.